Question #1: “Is It True That Things Finally Turn Around Once You Have That 14th Child?”

10 Dec

Just stop.

Lintang from Jakarta sent me this question. The answer is: no, now stop having children, for the love of sweet Jesus, if anyone can hear this, please, stop having children. The Chinese have it right. If we in America had any sense, there would be a two baby cap. No more than two babies. If you want to have more than two kids, then you have to buy a $25,000 baby license. This goes for each additional kid over the two kid limit. (Personally I’d like there to be a $25,000 requirement for having any children at all. This probably would have prevented me from having Darla and Connor, two of the biggest mistakes of my life. But we have to be realistic, this is America we’re talking about here).

What the baby cap and baby license would do is separate the wheat from the chaff, you see. If you’re really just intent on starting a big family of resource-killing, space wasting human parasites, then you have to prove that you really want it, bad. And that you have the financial backing to go ahead with your demented venture. Anyone who violates the two baby cap gets sent to Iceland. Them and their families. Why Iceland? Because fuck Iceland, that’s why. What are they going to do about it. They’re in financial ruin anyway, last time I checked, with a populace that wants nothing more than to leave Iceland. They’ve only contributed three things to the world, ever: Bjork, some shitty halibut dish that will kill you if you’re not Icelandic, and that fucking volcano that nobody could pronounce.  Almost nothing from Iceland can be pronounced. They know it, and they laugh at everyone for it. Eyjafjallajokull. It’s like somebody ate a heaping bowl of alphabet soup and then vomited. So no, no more children for anyone, we’re taking over Iceland, and fuck Bjork.

Hope this helped, Lingtang.

Do you have a serious question?  I have  some serious answers!  I’m a certified advice columnist and  absentee father. I answer all questions. Email me at


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