Question #6: “How Can I Mitigate These Upcoming Alimony And Child Support Payments?”

11 Dec

This question came from Derek from Des Moines, and, I have to admit, the email rang as sweetly as wind chimes (especially after that last British twat ruined the first half of my evening drinking session with her vapid question concerning Christmas Day cuisine).

Anyway, the skinny on Derek’s story is this: he’s in the middle of a divorce,  living separately from his wife and kids, basically trying to go about his life without the hassle or misery that inherently comes with a wife and kids. He’s found himself a hot girlfriend, is free of snot-nosed antics and soccer practice duties, and no longer has an overweight wench/wife nagging him about a few fucking strands of hair hanging out in the shower drain. So the divorce proceedings are just underway, and ol’ Derek is worried that the old hag is going to take him for more than he’d like on the support payments. She and the little shit could do fine without him, of course, but you know how it is with women and children: nothing but pouty puppy dog eyes and extended hands, whimpering, whining , and a total lack of appreciation for all the hard husbandly and  fatherly work he’s done.  Derek, brother, three words:

Cover your assets.

Put everything you can under a friend’s name.  Businesses, houses, cars, properties, whatever. Make sure the friend is a good, upstanding, trustworthy male, of course. If there’s something youcan’t hide for some reason, for God’s sake, do everything in your power to let it devalue. Summer home in Key West that you’re sure she’s going to get her grubby little hands on? Let that thing deteriorate in utter disrepair the best to your ability. So that when the judge does hand it over to the Hell Beast, in what she would have be her moment of victory, well, won’t she be surprised when she realizes that all she’s really stolen from you is a piece of shit ramshackle hut near the beach with a built in sprinkler system every time it rains?

I rarely say this, Derek, but I have more tips to give you than can be covered here, so please, email me again if necessary. We’re all in this together. And, if nothing else, remember the Golden Rule for escaping Family Hell: Run. Run, and don’t look back.

Have you realized that getting married and having children was a huge mistake? Need advice? Look no further! I’m a certifiable advice columnist and daddy on the run! Your questions are right up my alley. Email me at and we’ll go from there. Probably go out for a few beers or something.


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