Question #4: “Is It Weird That I Constantly Masturbate To Pictures On My Friends’ Facebook Pages?”

11 Dec

More pics like this, Mona. But turn around a little more.

A good friend of mine emailed me this one. We’ll just call her Mona.

Mona, I’m sorry if I’m not giving you the answer you want to hear with my response, tomato tits,  but yes, it is kind of weird. Classic deviant behavior. Your friends post their pictures online to share with you their captured moments of joy, heartache, beauty, sorrow, drunken nights in shitty trendy clubs with shallow people they don’t really care about but who make for good Facebook page props– everything that comes with life in this, our glorious 21st century. I sense that Facebook is probably the biggest masturbation-inducing website in history.

But remember, your friends’ pictures are not intended for you to obsessively manipulate your genitalia over, like some kind of sex crazed animal. Like, for instance, the picture of you on your Facebook page, the one where you’re wearing jeans with no shirt or bra, cupping your breasts with your body turned at a slight angle from the camera, with two scoops of undercleavage showing, tantalizingly, so tantalizingly. How would you feel if I were to go to your Facebook page every other day, masturbating to that picture, along with the series of bikini-on-the-beach pictures you took on that blessed trip to Rio Janeiro last summer, and those beautifully candid lying-around-the-house pics you have in that one photo album, where in that one picture you’re lying on your bed in those short shorts and tank top with that pink thong peeking out. The one where if you save the picture to Photo Gallery and zoom way in you can see what I’m pretty sure is a little bit of pebbly areola? You’d be grossed out. And probably, out of some vanity-fueled sadistic impulse, decide to load more pictures of a similar nature, since you haven’t updated your photos in almost 2 months, wouldn’t you? I’m sure you would. But don’t worry, the Lord forgives all in the end, I know; I’m an ordained minister, after all, with a direct line to God. So go ahead and upload more pictures if you have any.

Are you Mona? Great! Please update your Facebook photos and include some salacious ones! Or if you don’t feel comfortable showing them to the public, email them straight to me at I promise I won’t post them on the internet.


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