Question #5: “Do You Have Any Tips For Livening Up My Boxing Day Dinner?”

11 Dec

"My name's Patricia, Patricia from Manchester. And this is not what I look like. Otherwise, my question probably would have been answered, wouldn't it have been?"

Patricia from Manchester, UK sent this gem in. First of all, it’s “The Day After Christmas .”  This is an American blog, sugar pants. The term “Boxing Day” is the most atrocious British butchering of something  good, pure and American since the Boston Massacre. That aside, fuck Christmas and the day after. They’re both just another day. And why are you even bothering to send me a dumb-shit question like that? What did you expect? Some kind of pansy ass recipe for candied yams and roasted goose with sautéed red cabbage and cinnamon this or that? I’ll show you what I’ll be using to spice up my goddamned Christmas.

Christmas Spirit on the rocks, just me and Jack, Patty.

I’m a single man living in an unheated studio apartment in Chicago, subsisting on unemployment checks that I’m not even sure will be here next month. I’m on food stamps, Patricia, you insensitive bitch. There, you happy? You brought it all out in the open.

You know what, this is the last fucking question concerning culinary advice that I’m going to field, at least until the new year. This ain’t no Martha Stewart shit I got going on here, this is serious sticks and bricks.

You know what? I’m done.

Hope that helped, Patricia.

In need of recipes and ideas for your kitchen? Get at me, Moms! I’m a certified advice columnist and former chef. Email me at absenteedaddy@gmail.com and together, we’ll get cooking!

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