Question #7: “If I Let You Take A Nude Pic Of Me, Do You Promise You Won’t Put It On The Internet?”

11 Dec

I’ve gotten this question a few times from a few different sources, who all wish to remain anonymous. So of course, I’ll respect their wishes. The answer is:

Of course I wouldn’t do that, baby, it’s just for me, for when we’re apart.

Ever since I ran off from Cindy and the kids, it’s just that I’m a tiger, baby, a ragin’ love tiger, one who can’t bear the torturous spaces between my time with you. When we’re apart, I just need something to hold me over, baby. Somethin’ sweet to look at when I’m in bed alone, thoughts drifting over and around the taught curvature of your lithe, youthful body. A body like nothing that Cindy could have ever provided me, baby, especially after she crapped out Darla and Connor.  These pictures will remain between you and I only, existing only in my fevered dreams.

Even if we were to break up– even if you were to dump me, which I know you’d never do, since women don’t do that to men– I swear, I would never violate your right to privacy in such a heinous way, out of some puerile, vindictive desire for revenge.

So no, it’s ridiculous that you would even ask me that. Of course I wouldn’t post your nude pics on the internet. I don’t know who or what you take me for, but I am certainly not into exploiting women when they’re at their most vulnerable.

Is a former boyfriend or sex partner posting nude pics of you on the internet? Don’t panic. I’m a certified advice columnist and practicing attorney. Just email me all evidence you have concerning the situation, including the pictures, and we’ll take it from there. I work pro-bono. Absenteedaddy@gmail.com

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