Question #8: “What Do You Think About Ree ‘The Pioneer Woman’ Drummond’s Email To You?”

12 Dec

Save a horse ride a cowboy, Ree.

I’ve gotten a few emails asking me, essentially, this very question over the past two hours. A very fine question, indeed.

Well, I don’t know much about Ree “The Pioneer Woman” Drummond, to tell you the truth. I went to her blog once, about a year ago, and was immediately assailed by photos of cattle and advertisements for Vagisil and Pampers, or some shit.  That just about sums up the typical Mommy Blog, really.

Look, I’ll just address this straight to the Pioneer Woman herself, for one moment. Yes, you got me, you have millions of readers, you have some kind of ranch empire thing going on somewhere in middle America (I’m assuming, like I said, I don’t know much about you, really). I know you plug all sorts of Mommy-related products on your blog for profit, that you incessantly post pictures of your kids/cattle/home/arts and crafts/ pets  etc. etc. or whatever, standard Mommy Blog stuff;  blog entries about your gripping adventures in de-worming your dog/sheep/horse/llamas. (Ok, I will admit that if you actually owned a llama, and wrote a few entries about it, then that would, in fact, actually be interesting). Whatever it is that you do over there in Mommy Blog land, Ree,  it’s all very fine and well.

It’s also the most boring shit since marathon readings of The Great Gatsby.

"In my younger and more vulnerable years, my father gave me some advice that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever since..." "Get off the stageee! FUCK this is so boring! Almost as bad as a Mommy Blog!"

It has, of course, been scientifically proven that Mommy Blogs suck, and suck hard. The evidence in support of this conclusion is really just overwhelming. The fact that Mommy Blogs are generally just giant bags of boring shit-suck is an a priori truth. Not convinced? Want to investigate this empirically? Go to a Mommy Blog, read it for one hour, and then come back to this post. I’ll wait here. Tick, tock, tick, tock…

Here's a large picture of something awesome and actually interesting. A reward for when you get back.

See? Wasn’t that the most stultifying thing ever? Don’t you kind of want to hang yourself with a pair of pants after that? Please, don’t do it, you have too much to live for.

In all fairness, Mommy Blogs do, of course, have their place in society, as well as a practical use. But so do sewing circles and PTA meetings. The Mommy Blog is basically just a (now-monetized) digital extension of the sewing circle and the PTA meeting.  They’re PTASewingCircles, whose authors claim to be “writers,” while at the same time dropping endorsements for Vagisil in the midst of their rich, profound prose that somehow always seems to center around laundry/cattle/diapers/pets/trips to Starbucks/ pick-up truck rides, Fords are the best!

Look,  Ree (what kind of a name is “Ree” anyway? You’re obviously not to be trusted), you “got” me on a few points in that email. Yes, I have abandoned my duties as a father and husband in favor of running away to bang whores and get drunk every night. Yes, I feel as though this was a good choice. Yes,  I was falsely accused of lewd conduct a year ago, which led to the mugshot on this page, but I totally beat that fucking case, just this morning in fact. This is America, goddamnit, I’m innocent until proven guilty, and so when the lying plaintiff-wench failed to appear in court not once, but twice, and the judge dismissed the case, well, I immediately became innocent in the eyes of the law of this land.  It’s all there in the Constitution, Ree, the one that gives you the right to make an inordinate amount of money being an adverwriter and purveyor of mind-numbingly boring, redundant pabulum concerning sheep/horses/dogs/Starbucks/trees/baby food brands/ Lysol Double-Sided Wipes/pretty sunsets and your current location via Twitter.

And of course, your husband. Writing about the same husband over and over, at that. Nobody wants to hear about the same stable (no pun intended) romantic partner ad infinitum. It’s the very antithesis of good drama, unless, of course, you made the stability of monogamy compelling through your writing.  But a good grasp of dramatic principles and compelling writing are characteristics of a good writer, and we’re not talking about a writer here. We’re talking about a Mommy Blogger.

Look, much like Ree expressed in her email to me, I now feel as though this is “not even worth my time.” There are apparently a lot of people out there who have done some fine eviscerating of The Pioneer Woman (the best being Rechelle at http://www.rechelleunplugged.com/ ).

I’ll simply point my readers in that direction, and let this be the end of it.

Best,

John Leonard “Absentee Daddy” Ferris

Are you an insufferable, boring, undeservedly popular bitch? Email me again, Ree! Absenteedaddy@gmail.com.

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2 Responses to “Question #8: “What Do You Think About Ree ‘The Pioneer Woman’ Drummond’s Email To You?””

  1. Peaches February 6, 2011 at 4:53 am #

    The pioneer woman sux is my fave.

  2. NCme December 13, 2010 at 1:40 pm #

    Here’s another blog: http://www.rechelleunplugged.com/

    She takes on PW too. Hilarious Ree Barbie theater puppet shows!

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