Question #9: “How Can I Get A ‘Vintage Look’ Without Looking Like I’m Trying Too Hard?”

13 Dec

Tim from Spokane sent this one in.  First of all, you’re gay, right, Tim? It’s fine if you are. I just wanted to make it clear that no straight man frets about “getting a look.” You’re at least bi, right? Come on, you can tell Daddy.

But whatever. Let’s just get down to it.  The question and answer, I mean– I don’t swing that way, Timbo.  I got a 12 pack of PBR in the fridge and CCR blasting over the speakers,  the way God intended it, so I’d like to just get this pussy ass question out of the way.

You’re going to fail at what you’re trying to do here, Tim, like every other shallow, fashionable fucknugget out there in the universe.  You’re inherently going to look like “you’re trying too hard” by  the very act of “getting a look.” But you say you want the “vintage look,” like all these other pissbrained young people out there these days. Everyone’s trying to go back to the 60s and 70s, it seems to me. Well I was born in ’61. I grew up in the goddamned 60s. I remember the moon landing. I was in 3rd grade, Mrs. Trumbull’s class, when we all got called into the auditorium to watch a man walking on the fucking moon. Do you realize what that means? We shot a man to the fucking moon, he walked on it, and then came back. And he was an American, goddamnit. That was back when an accomplishment was something real, not some silly shit you looked at on your goddamned phone.

American accomplishment, 1969.

American accomplishment, 2010...Tim, this is all your fucking fault, you little moron, you're really pissing me off now.

Back when I was young we were worried about approximately 2  things: the Russians, and not getting our asses beat by the police.

Three people looking cool in the street, back in the "good old" retro days. I watched shit like this out my kitchen window, Tim, you ignorant little gerbildick.

That was about it. Now your little pansy ass is walking around streaming Mad Men and That 70s Show or whatever the fuck it is this week on your Apple Tripad, trying to be cool by reliving some shit you know fuckall about. You’re not “punk.” You’re not “cool and ironic.” You’re not retro trendy cyber hip or whatever the fuck it is you’re calling it. You’re an aimless little superficial, culturally degenerate dipshit, Tim, you and all your little goddamned unoriginal metrosexual digital FaceSpace buddies. And you can tell ’em I said that. You want to bring back the 60s with some vintage wear? Here’s some vintage wear from that era:

Notice the fab retro sunglasses, vintage skinny jeans, gorgeous leather loafers, fierce suede jacket and the TWO COPS BEATING THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF THE GUY. THIS IS RETRO, TIM, AND I WILL TAKE YOU RETRO. I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD.

You and your entire generation are culturally bankrupt, Tim, which is why you’re “trying not to look too hard”  in your attempt to try hard to look like something you’re not, from a bygone era.  The whole thing is fucking ridiculous and I can’t even believe you sent me this shit-brained question. I swear to God, if I ever see you in the streets, Tim, wearing skinny jeans or retro sunglasses or retro anything, I will beat you, Tim. I will beat the living shit out of you and steal your IPhone, because that’s how things were handled, back in my day, goddamnit, you little pansy-assed shit bucket. Who gives a shit what your “look” is, just buy something cheap without holes in it and leave me the fuck alone.

Hope this helped, Tim.

Just a friendly reminder:

Have a question? I have an answer! Feel free to email me at I’m a certified advice columnist and former fashion industry insider. I do this for free.  My mission is to help people.


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