Question #10: “Are You Or Have You Ever Been A Member Of An Anti-Wikileaks Organization?” -Anonymous

14 Dec

A great question from Anonymous. First of all, I would just like to say that I back Wikileaks and its supporters, 100%. They’re fighting for a great cause– for freedom of information, and freedom from censorship.  For government transparency and accountability in its actions. Freedom from easily-coerced Swedish women (the wrong kind of easily-coerced Swedish women, anyway–I never thought such a thing could exist) and for freedom from tyranny. Wikileaks and its supporters are all great. It’s the freedom from tyranny part I’d especially like to address here. I get a lot of email signed “anonymous,” but for some reason, this email struck me as having more profound implications than the others.

Anonymous, you’re completely right. I can’t believe I got all the way to question #9 without having addressed Wikileaks and its supporters. Whoops, just an oversight, honest. I’ve been behind you guys every step of the way.  The U.S. government is indeed acting the tyrant in this situation. Fuck Hillary Clinton,  fuck the Justice Department, fuck PayPal, Visa and Mastercard, Twitter, the Pentagon, et al. Authoritarian bastards all the way. Those are trumped up charges on Mr. Assange, obviously. An outrage. If anything, Mr. Assange and I share a lot in common, Anonymous.  I, too, have an obscenely large ego.  I, too, love attention. I too am a man on the run: Assange had the U.S. Government and its allies after him,  I have my wife and kids after me. I am also all for any man who succeeds in ass-banging Swedish women who are inherently enamored with people who post controversial things online while being on the run. My future sex life depends on it.

Down with tyranny, down with censorship! Down with bully tactics! There must be transparency, dear Anonymous, and an end to hypocrisy! You’re preaching the truth! We’re in this together…

Look, Anonymous. Please don’t attack me.  I’m just an advice columnist here, honest.  I don’t know what I did to make you think I wasn’t pro- freedom from censorship and tyranny and all that, but whatever it was, you got me all wrong, honest. You can ask anyone, my neighbors, my friends, my fans, my co-workers, I am not in any way affiliated with an anti-Wikileaks organization or any anti-freedom, anti-peace and liberty group at all. I’m all about transparency as much as the next anonymous guy, Anonymous.

Why are you looking at me like that? I’m not sweating. No, it’s just the lights in here. Look, I’m tired. Please, just let me sleep, a little. I didn’t do anything wrong!   I canceled the PayPal account as soon as I heard. I cut off all contact with Twitter yesterday. Twitter talks too much anyway, about things that for the most part aren’t all that significant — I mean, no, I didn’t mean it like that , that sounded bad– I mean, Twits talks too much, and that’s a good thing, but he’s a hypocrite and a backstabber; he turns on his friends when the shit hits the fans, and so really, fuck Twits.

Look, I barely have anything in my bank account, Anonymous. It’s really just enough to get me through the week on beer, cigarettes and food. I never even liked this Visa card, anyway, it’s just something I got into the habit of using. You know how it is, old habits. Ha ha…ha.  And as for this website…it’s just a WordPress blog, for Christ’s sake. I just started this thing like 3 days ago, literally. Just look at it, Anonymous. You can tell I still have no idea what I’m doing with something as simple as a fucking WordPress blog. I’m obviously no threat to you or anyone, Anonymous, so taking my site down would be like killing an ant with an anvil.

Ok, I have 18 dollars in my PayPal account. Yes, yes, I lied about the PayPal account! I was scared! Take the money, please, it’s no problem. I never even saw your face, Anonymous. I’m only getting about a hundred measly hits a day right now, but I’ll tell them whatever you want me to.  Oh no, of course not! Of course I’ll never  be tempted to express any…ill-advisable opinions here…look, I’m with you, Anonymous, I really am. I’m so serious.

Down with censorship! Down with tyranny and coercion! Long live freedom of speech and information! Free Assange!…

No. There is no way I am getting in that car.

Just a reminder: The Absentee Daddy demands that you go to http://freeassange.org/ and sign that petition!  Please? Just. Sign it. Now. This is another great site that I follow religously: http://www.wikileaksforum.net

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