Question #13: “How Does Gravity Work?”

18 Dec

16 year old Sheng Xi Wai from Shanghai sent me this one.

I’m surprised you don’t already know the answer to this, Sheng, being that China people are extremely smart. You guys already have the world’s fastest supercomputer,  nearly one trillion dollars in U.S. Treasury bonds, and are probably cyber assaulting the shit out of at least one of my readers at this very moment. I’ve also heard about a lot of you megabrain kids coming to America to take advantage of some of our higher institutes of learning, only to go back home to China with your newly gained knowledge and plot world domination. It’s right there in the New York Times (you have to read between the lines to arrive at the world domination conclusion).

But no, I trust that you’re not a Chinese spy working on a real life Low Orbit Ion Cannon at this very moment.

Nooo, of course you’re not. So being that I, of course, possess the precious answer to your very complex question, let’s get started, Sheng.

For a minute, I thought that Sheng was a Chinese spy, and that this was what he was ultimately working to build with his question on gravity. But I was just being paranoid: China doesn't spy.

Yours is a very common question, Sheng– you’re not the first reader to make this inquiry, trust me– and any search for a clear, definitive answer can easily be muddled by erroneous information on the internet. However, with a little effort, it’s actually pretty easy to gain a good understanding of the principles and dynamics at work when it comes to gravity, along with how to create and destroy it. With only a rudimentary knowledge of astrophysical terminology, dark matter, quarps and the Simon-Schuster intra-temporal-conical-reductionist vortex theory, it’s actually only a matter of a few minutes a day for one or 83 months to get it all straight.

Gravity first came into existence circa 13 billion B.C.

Before that there were other things besides gravity, but the quarps came along and changed all of that. The vortex acted as a strange attractor force, as is well known, thanks to Themistocles. The vortex was an intense and somewhat inscrutable force– think of it as a vacuum cleaner in a room that is not a room at all, but rather just a non-space packed tight with other vacuum cleaners, all inside a spherical yet square length of cloth in the shape of a hexagon, only it has 9 sides, all of them made of dust.

Of course, you’re probably over there thinking about the problem along the lines of Newtonian-Appleby  theory, Sheng, having of course already reconciled  G = 6.6726 x 10-11N-m2/kg2 with k = 1/(4πε0) = 8.99 X 109Nm2/C2.

(It’s crucial that those two reconcile, otherwise you’ll find yourself at a dead end with a classic Allen-Farrow-Soon Yi quandary).

I vow there will be no more than three cat pictures on this blog, ever. This is number one. Only because the cat has lettuce on his head, which I personally find amusing, and because it's crucial for Sheng to understand that Schrodinger's Cat does, in fact, have lettuce on his head.

Now, once you’ve solved for M&M/ 8.99 X 109 in the  equation, you’re going to want to apply it to Schrödinger’s Cat. Do this very carefully, Sheng. The cat cannot be both alive and dead, of course, unless it can be, which depends on whether or not you can solve for (E•dA = E * dA Cos[theta]) after having run your resulting data through the Flux-Capacitor-Algorithm, with T+A of course equal to 1.21 gigawatts. This shouldn’t be a problem,  given that you now have the world’s fastest supercomputer over there in Tianjin, Sheng.

So that’s about it, Sheng. Pretty straight forward.  If cat=alive then you’ve got gravity in your pocket. If not, then you probably forgot to feed it the Kibblebitz formula, after having of course approached it along Brownian lines.

Are you a Communist Chinaman spy? Have a complex mathematical or scientific question pertaining to your nation’s plan for world domination? Problem solved! I’m a certified advice columnist and  Nobel Prize-winning physicist. Email me at and we’ll work it all out.


2 Responses to “Question #13: “How Does Gravity Work?””

  1. RAPE DOG December 19, 2010 at 2:27 am #


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    […] phones are weapons at this point. Some kid in China is probably reconfiguring the State Department right now using one of those fucking things. Cell […]

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