Advice Column Break: Daddy’s Week In Review

19 Dec

So, this blog is officially 1 week old (well, thereabouts. I launched it late last Friday night, and it’s now Saturday the 18th here in Chicago–I need to fix my time stamp thing already).  I’d like to thank all the people who stopped by to see the show. We had some good times and learned a lot, didn’t we, children? Let’s not forget the time we had some fun with The Pioneer Woman. Or the time we learned the solution to overpopulation in America and how Iceland fits into it. Remember how we explained gravity to a Communist Chinaman spy, and gave good sound advice on avoiding alimony and child support payments to my soul brother Derek in Des Moines? We helped Debbie, with her crybaby whining concerning the cyberbullying of her daughter (and don’t forget to send her your hate mail at debgirl1975@gmail.com).

There was Patricia from Manchester, with her dumb shit question about Christmas day dinner, Mona, who still needs to update her Facebook page and include some new naked pictures (not for me, but for her own good: she has to learn to be more trusting; it’s complicated), Tim, the fashion advice-seeking hipster kid who I will beat the shit out of without a second thought for being such a trendy little lame shitbucket, and of course, there were all the beautiful young ladies out there in the world who needed to be reminded that no, the nude pics that their boyfriends take of them will never be posted on the internet, and that it’s OK for them to send whichever pics that weren’t posted on the internet to Daddy, at absenteedaddy@gmail.com. Because you can trust Daddy.

Oh yeah, and remember the time we advised that one lady to use a cattle prod on her kid for kicking the back of our seat when we were trying to watch that movie? Ah…ha ha….sigh. Good times.

Well, that’s it for a couple days. I know, I know: “but Daddy, who will advise all the people out there in the world with serious problems, in need of serious solutions?” Well, they’ll just have to wait. It’s hard being an absentee daddy; even absentee daddies need a break now and then.

Speaking of being (or not being) a daddy, I got an email from Cindy. It seems one of you fine people went wayyyy out of your way to find and contact Cindy, to let her know about this blog thing I have going on. To whomever that was, I offer you this:

"After a hard day's work, I like to sit back and relax with a giant 'Fuck You!'"

Of course, I knew she’d find out about this sooner or later, I just didn’t think it would be this soon. I didn’t think I’d have more than a few dozen hits in this, my very first week of blogging, ever; it was more like in the thousands, and of course, many of those hits were probably from puritanical, self-righteous mommy blogger types who are only too quick to go all Julian Assange (whom I love and support, by the way) on a poor, innocent, bitter, mean-spirited absentee father out to destroy mommy blogs and send their children to Iceland. Was it really necessary, dear person who told on me, to make such a hostile, malicious move as that?

But anyway, thanks to that anonymous hell beast, I now have Cindy threatening me with legal action again, so I once again find myself with that wife and kid drama I so love to avoid. Jesus Christ, the nerve of these mommy bloggers, I swear. But don’t worry, fellow mom blog haters, we’ll give ’em what for.

And finally, speaking of mommy bloggers and the whole culture, I sent death threats to both Oprah and Sarah Palin last night via email. You see, I’m convinced that, combined, they’re both to blame for a decent amount of things that suck in the world, mommy blogs of course falling under the category of things that suck, and so I simply felt that it was something that had to be done. So we’ll how that goes over with the people at Harpo and the Palin camp.

And on that note…

#Now it’s time to say goodbye, to all our company, A-B-S (‘S a shame I gotta’ go!) S-E-N ( ‘N I know you’re gonna’ miss me!) T-E (E-nough with trying to make this fucking jingle work for this purpose!) E-D…A…D……(D Y)


-John Leonard Ferris



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