Question #14: “Why Don’t You Post Pictures Of Your Children Or Pets On Your Blog?”

21 Dec

Shit not happening.

Aaaaaand we’re back, with a question I’ve received from a couple people in the past week. I honestly wish I had a major animation production studio and team at my disposal, because the answer to this question deserves an all out Broadway-style musical number, ala one of the numbers in the South Park movie. Seriously, substitute the words ” vacuous Mommy bloggers are,” for “Kyle’s Mom is,” in this video, pretending it all rhythmically flows smoothly as such, and you’ll have an approximation of the kind of introduction I would ideally want for the announcement I’m about to make:

(And before we go any further,  let’s just get this out of the way, again, for the uninitiated: I recently ran away from my wife and children out of an overwhelming desire to, well, escape them. It’s a long story. It’s really just your run of the mill, father-abandons-entire-family-and-has-the-audacity-to-start-an-anti-Mommy-Blog story, not the big fuss that people are making it out to be. Look, let’s all just be thankful that I’m here now, with internet access and a platform from which to attempt to solve all the world’s problems. Of course, I do have some photos of Cindy, Darla and Connor, one of which is on my About page, but really, for me, personally, I feel as though it would be rather irresponsible for me to continue posting photos of the family I abandoned. As for pets, I do have a dog, Dipsy Doodle, a 3 year old Yorkie, who is super cutesy wootsie, but again, I have moral standards: I refuse to stoop to the level of a mom blogger and post even one photo of little Dipsy Doodle. And, on a side note, I would actually prefer to not talk about Dipsy Doodle ever again, or for anyone to bring her up in email or in comments, as thinking about her tends to soften my cold dark heart, which is counter-productive to this blog.)

Disclaimer out of the way, I would like to announce that I’ve decided to start a:

BRAND NEW WEEKLY FEATURE! (Feature, feature, feature, feature, feature, echo, echo, echo, echo….)

And it goes…a-one, a-two, a-one two three four…

PICTURES OF THINGS THAT ARE NOT MYSELF, MY CHILDREN, OR MY PETS

Because:

“Hey mom bloggers,  how about we all have a weekly feature like this on our blogs!  Or daily, depending on the blogger!”

Picture 1:

"We've all seen this a million times, yawn." "Well fucking look at it again! It's 5,000 years old! You post pictures of some shitty art project that your kid slapped together for all of us to see! I guarantee you his mock-volcano won't make it 10 years! Show some respect, you jaded little asshole!"

Aren’t they adorable? This is Khufu’s wittle pyramid, and its overprotective little brother, Sphinxy! Besides not being a picture of myself, my pet, or my children, the subjects pictured have the little distinction of being super fucking old and mind-blowingly momentous! Like, if there was a “humanity’s highlights reel,” these two little guys would be on it!  Why? Well, to sum it all up without resorting to Wikipedia, nearly 5,000 years after they were built, they’re still fucking standing!  And to this day, many people seriously feel the need to bring aliens into the discussion in order to explain how the fuck people could have pulled this off back when the moon was still something you thought you could hit with rocks, because, well, what the fuck is that huge glowing thing in the sky, anyway? Who knows! But let’s just build a highly-complex, absurdly sturdy mega-structure that will last for all eternity (for all intents and purposes), and let someone else figure that moon shit out in a few thousand years!  Let’s all just take another quick gander at one of our more impressive accomplishments as humans, shall we!? Not as cute as your cat, but it will sure outlive it!

Picture #2:

This is Mr. Graphy. Mischievous little fellow, isn’t he!? Just looking at him, you kind of get the feeling that he’ll be trouble one day! This little man goes back 150 years. He’s having some trouble in the world community, though: a lot of the other kids aren’t accepting him.  Aww 😦  It’s mostly the wealthy, popular kids who have hoarded all the oil on the playground who are shunning him. Naughty little Graphy-ignoring monkeys! While Mr. Graphy here is neither a picture of myself, my children, or my pet,  he DID just recently learn his ABCs: if you wait around long enough, he’ll spell  H-U-M-A-N  E-X-T-I-N-C-T-I-O-N for all of us! Neato!

Picture #3:

This little darling, while not a picture of myself, my children, or my pets, is in fact widely believed to be the first photograph of a human being, ever! Well now, isn’t that swell! I drew a little red arrow pointing to the fellow if you look closely. While certainly familiar to all you photography and art aficionados out there, here’s the summary for the rest of us:

” ‘Boulevard du Temple’, taken by Louis Daguerre in late 1838, was the first-ever photograph of a person. It is an image of a busy street, but because exposure time was over ten minutes, the city traffic was moving too much to appear. The exception is a man in the bottom left corner, who stood still getting his boots polished long enough to show up in the picture.”

Isn’t that just something to gaze at in astonishment. There the guy was, getting his boots polished in Paris in 1838, probably living the rest of his life completely oblivious to the fact that his image was captured for the first time and for all time by some cutting edge breakthrough technology wielded by a peeping-tom-gadget-nerd spying on him from a fourth floor window! Eureka! Another momentous moment in human history, and this one caught on ancient camera! Huh. So that’s what a panoramic view of a Parisian boulevard looked like nearly 200 years ago. Swell! I sure am glad Daguerre didn’t go for a silly ass shot of his dog that day!

Picture #4:

One of The Pioneer Woman's dogs, Charlie. She hacked me to slip this in here. I will end that bitch, I vow.

Wait a minute, how’d this get in here…Damnnnn youuuuu Pioneeerrr Womannnnn!!!!!!  I’ll get you for thisssssss!!!!!!!

Picture #5:

Now THIS one definitely proved to be a little menace! Until Mr. Graphy’s implications come bearing down on us like the Huns on Rome, this little fellow will stand as one of history’s worst of the worst! For those of you who are having a slow day or are simply not very history-inclined, I’ll  DuChamp the photo up to make clear who this little rugrat turned out to be!

There, now we’re all definitely on the same page! And if you still don’t know who that is, then please go away, and never come back to this fucking blog again, because you’re a goddamned imbecile and this just isn’t going to work out! While this isn’t a picture of myself, my children, or my pets, it is a picture of someone else’s child. Just some food for thought for all you mommy bloggers: if Klara Hitler had blogging capabilities back in her day, this little guy would probably be all over our WordPress dashboards! It makes you wonder: exactly who are these children you’re relentlessly parading in front of us, and exactly what is it that they’re capable of? Hm?

While you’re going for 50 million hits, that little snot-nosed kid you won’t stop shoving on us may one day go on to cause 50 million deaths! Iddin’ that precious!?

Picture #6:

A Missing Thing That Is Not A Cute White Girl

I may be generally anti-children, but that doesn’t mean that you have to be! This is a picture of 17 year old Queen Ononiua from Chicopee, Massachusetts.  Isn’t she just a cute-patootie? She’s also been missing for 3 weeks now!

“Margorien Ononiua said the last time she saw her daughter was on November 27th. At the time she was wearing a white jacket and blue jeans. She described her daughter as quiet and shy. According to police reports, Queen is five feet one inch tall and weighs about 110 pounds. ANYONE HAVING INFORMATION SHOULD CONTACT National Center for Missing & Exploited Children 1-800-843-5678 (1-800-THE-LOST).”

Not as Blogcute as pictures of our kids and cats, is it? 😦 And it’d be more Blogmoving for our media-driven culture if she weren’t black, wouldn’t it! You know it’s true, you silly billies! Oh well, that’s just the way the not-considered-cute cookie crumbles. 😦

Aw, that makes us Blogsad doesn’t it? Well that’s just the price we pay when we enter the land of:

PICTURES OF THINGS THAT ARE NOT MYSELF, MY CHILDREN, OR MY PETS

Are you thinking of uploading another picture of yourself, your family, or your pets to your blog right now? Have you already done this for 30 or more consecutive days? Well then don’t! I don’t know who these people in the world are who love to gaze upon other people’s children day after day, but I do know at least a few words for people who fit that description. Regardless of the motivations, it’s still stupid and mildly insane! Stop! Email those photos to absenteedaddysmombloggerredundantpictureabyss@gmail.com, because that isn’t a real email address, and hopefully the photos really will just fall into some kind of giant abyss from which those photos will be irretrievable!


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5 Responses to “Question #14: “Why Don’t You Post Pictures Of Your Children Or Pets On Your Blog?””

  1. The Other Teacher December 22, 2010 at 4:32 pm #

    Feeling lovey dovey? Your not going to put light up deer antlers on your dog are you?

    • absenteedaddy December 22, 2010 at 5:46 pm #

      Putting deer antlers on Dipsy Doodle would be Mom Blogesque. No offense. If I did that, then I’d be tempted to take a picture of Dipsy and post it on here. I’ve heard that cute pet picture posting is as contagious as Ebola. It’s a vicious circle. Next thing you’d know, I would run back to the wife and kids and start your run of the mill, Search Engine Optimized, loving/caring/tip-giving Dad blog. So no, I can’t go down that path. That would simply be unconscionable.

  2. The Other Teacher December 21, 2010 at 8:41 pm #

    you have so much in here I do not know where to start. Here we go…

    1) Aliens are awesome!

    2) Does that mean..no more snow days? GASP!

    3) With no sarcasm, that picture is worth sharing and maybe it’s own post. I never knew that the first picture of a human would still be around. I would have figured that it would have been lost or destroyed by now. That’s pretty great that we still have that.

    4) aweeee….how can your heart not melt?

    5) awe..look at his face? It begs the question: Are we born evil or is evil created?

    6) That is good that you are also syndicating her picture. She was taken so long ago that who knows where in the world she could be. Human trafficking is so high now a days. I think people are easier to smuggle into a country than drugs. Tragically.

    • absenteedaddy December 22, 2010 at 7:41 am #

      Hi there Other Teacher. Thanks for the comment, aliens are indeed awesome, and so are you. Fair warning: this is the love week on absenteedaddy.com. Basically, I’m feeling all warm and fuzzy and susceptible to falling hopelessly in love with random strangers. I’ve decided that since this is a new blog, the random stranger is going to be one of the kind people who were kind enough to comment on my posts, and who, furthermore, did not comment with unbridled hatred, due to the somewhat outrageous things I tend to post on this blog. So, if you come back to this site in the next few days, and find that there’s a love sonnet dedicated to you, or something along those lines, please don’t be surprised, and don’t be alarmed. It’s just love week, is all.

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