Question #15: “Hi I Like You Do You Like Me? Check Yes Or No.”

22 Dec

Hello out there all you young lovers and hopeless romantics, Romeos and Juliets, Ricks and Ilsas,  Bobbys and Whitneys,  this is the Absentee Daddy on WDAD, taking you back to the old school with a blast from the past, Question #15, surreptitiously passed to me by 9 year old Katie way back in fourth grade, Mrs. Carville’s Art class, with a menagerie of  paper mache animals dangling overhead, and the intoxicating scent of Elmer’s glue hanging thickly in the air.

I remember how I opened that fingerprint-smudged, innocent love letter scribbled upon school-ruled notebook paper slightly frayed at the edges, slowly, gingerly– it took me a little while, since she’d folded it several times over, Katie McCallister, with her origami care– and when I read it, I couldn’t believe it, all you listeners out there glued to your radios, Katie McCallister liked me, the proof was on my desk, laid out like a wrinkled confession (or was it a questionnaire?) a love letter like a multiple choice dare (do you remember when it was like that?) yes, there was love in that classroom, and it took me just one moment of youthful consideration to grab the nearest black marker and hastily respond:

Yes, I’ve always been an asshole,  as far back as I can remember (but in all fairness, she was kind of chunky). I remember Katie McCallister cried for a week after she read my response to her letter, and it was then, dear listeners, that I realized that I wanted nothing more than to be an advice columnist.

But it turned out that the last laugh was on me,  because, I shit you not, this is a picture of Katie McCallister today:

Yes, she is actually 48 years old there, and she looks like that. And if I may remind you, just last year,  at 48 years old, I looked like this:

And I’ve only gotten uglier in the past year. So no siree, I ain’t gettin’ no handjob from Katie McCallister today.

So the moral of the story, and my advice to all you young Romeos out there is this: take what you can get, when you can get it, because she might be fat now, but she may be surprisingly fuckable 40 years from now. And when you find yourself unemployed, living in an unheated apartment in Chicago, just an absentee daddy, you may regret not having given it a whirl… with your…Katie McCallister.

And on that note, this song goes out to Katie McCallister, wherever she may be (2436 E. Fillmore Street, Santa Cruz, California, not that I’m stalking her, I just happen to have a subscription to this people finder website that I figured I’d may as well use before it runs out).

And Katie, I am so sorry I called you fat back then, because now…

I Want You Back- (The Jackson 5):

http://www.4shared.com/embed/119156360/e867ebc8

Sincerely,

Johnny Leonard Ferris

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2 Responses to “Question #15: “Hi I Like You Do You Like Me? Check Yes Or No.””

  1. Anonymous December 22, 2010 at 10:54 am #

    Yeah, you are an asshole!

    • absenteedaddy December 22, 2010 at 5:41 pm #

      Ding ding ding! You ARE the winner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The first negative comment on this blog! I’ve been waiting for it, and here it is! Although, this isn’t really negative…it’s just an affirmation of what I already know/admitted. So…hm. Well, it was the first non-sweet comment on the blog, and for this, I thank you, Anon. I expect it will get far far worse as the months roll on. After all, the show’s just getting started! But anyway….email me at absenteedaddy@gmail.com to collect your prize. $2,000. Hopefully you have PayPal.

      And I’m not sure if I’ve announced this before, but the first TRULY negative comment gets the grand $5,000 prize.

      Aw, well, actually, Anon, I just realized: you posted your non-sweet comment anonymously, so there’s no way I’d be able to tell who the real you was after getting the prize-collection email. 😦 Aw, that disqualifies you from your $2000. The price we pay for the anonymous nature of the internet.

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