Question #16: “So You Totally Ruined Your Chances With Katie McCallister In Fourth Grade. But Who Do You Like These Days? (Giggle Giggle)”

23 Dec

"I stick my neck out for no one. Except for that one person who made a relatively nice comment on my blog in its first week."

17 year old Emily Gauthier and her friend, Suzie, sent me this question from Tampa in the middle of a girl sleepover, huddled around Emily’s laptop wearing only t-shirts and panties, giggling with frenzied teenage-girl-curiosity, as though I were Justin Bieber or something. First of all, calm down, girls. I’m old enough to be your absentee granddaddy. You’re both only 17. That’s illegal, young ladies.  I could go to jail again if we were to act on those primal urges…

…in Florida.

The age of consent is 17 in Illinois. So we’d be good if you crossed a few state lines. Do either of you drive yet? Here’s a link to the greyhound site if not.  I sent you my number, Emily, so just give me a call when your bus is around Kentucky.

Sorry, readers. Daddy business. Ok, back to the question.

In case you haven’t noticed, or haven’t been following me on Twitter, it’s Love Week here on AbDad.com. There’s an amorous vibe all around. From my suddenly self-righteous crusade to help bring the plight of a missing teenage girl to a couple hundred people’s attention, to the sepia-toned, nostalgia-tinged story of my first question-answer letter exchange with Katie “Puppy Love Handjob” McCallister in fourth grade, this blog has been positively warm and fuzzified from day one of this week. All you readers out there must have sensed it, because quite a few ladies have recently expressed curiosity about my current love interest, especially after the charming, romantic jaunt down memory lane that was Question #15.  I have to say, I’m really not surprised at the nascent female fan following that I’m gaining.  I mean,  honestly, just look at me.

Actually, on second thought, don’t. But I really do have a lot to offer, looks aside:

1. I’m baggage free, being that I ditched the old ball and chain, along with those two little tumors that upped and sprouted legs (the kids).

2. I’m very compassionate and kind.

3. I’m reliable.

4. I answer all questions ever.

5. I’m of exceptional virtue and integrity.

So tonight,  Daddy is going to answer the burning  lady-question that’s out there on every pretty thing’s mind: who does Daddy like.

The answer to this question, you may be surprised to find out, is a little odd.

Background: I just started this blog last week (yes, the fun has just begun). Now, for those of you who don’t know, when you start a blog, a strange thing happens right in the beginning: you find yourself falling madly in love with the first people who comment on your blog. The first few people commenting on your blog in the beginning is kind of like losing your real life virginity, several times over, only it’s not nearly as awkward, and doesn’t involve sneaking in or out of any windows (although for many bloggers, it does, usually, involve a close family member).

Now, just like losing your real life virginity, there is a tendency to get attached to your early commenters when losing your blogvirginity, like a little lost puppy trailing closely to a pantleg. So, to get to the point, I have been, for at least a day now, totally infatuated with one of  my early commenters. So which one is it? Let’s take a look at all 6 commenters I’ve had thus far:

1.There was “NCme” on Question #8, with this comment:

“Here’s another blog: (blog name edited, because I felt like typing “blog name edited” here). She takes on PW too. Hilarious Ree Barbie theater puppet shows!”

2. There was Rechelle, on Advice Column Break #1, with:

“Well I guess she SHORE told you!  Isn’t she such a great writer! You’re hilarious! But I must know what you wrote to her.”

3. There was “Rape Dog” on Question #13, who just left a blank message. He signed his email address as that of Maddox, creator of the formerly Greatest Page In The Universe. So either he was actually Maddox, or a diehard Maddox fan. I’m guessing the latter, because he seemed unable to figure out how to post a comment, which indicates an egregious lack of intelligence– a telltale sign of any diehard Maddox fan, post 2004.

4. There was Kymlee, commenting on “My Story.” Hers was rather long, so here’s just an excerpt: “So I realize your blog is about a plethora of things, but after reading a few of your posts, I have to ask why it is you hate your children…” We had a little back and forth action there, got a little steamy towards the end. (Seriously, Kymlee is superhot).

5. There were a few comments from The Other Teacher, little back and forth there too, I think I’m just in the friend zone with Other Teacher, I don’t think she likes me like that, but who knows.

6. Finally, there was Anonymous on Question #15, with “Yeah, you are an asshole!”  I have to admit, I was enamored with Anon this morning after reading that comment. I think it was the whole mystique thing that Anon has going on. Plus the aggressiveness…the unbridled conviction with which s/he expressed that opinion. It was pretty hot. I actually propositioned Anon due to the sheer intensity of that comment encounter, as you can see, but unfortunately, it just didn’t work out. One night blogstand.

So, which one is it? Well, really, it could only be one. And so I give you:


DADDY’S BLOGLOVE (Bloglove, bloglove, bloglove, bloglove, echo, echo, echo, echo…)

So Rechelle (oh my God just saying her name gives me butterflies), like, does this adorable thing with Barbie Dolls? Puppet theater?  Where she makes fun of The Pioneer Woman? It’s so hot. Oh my God. First of all, it’s totally the bee’s knees because it’s really pretty cool-looking and seems to involve a decent amount of work to produce. Artistic girls are so hot. Second, because I’ve been to The Pioneer Woman’s site a few times, and recently read the first few pages of her book, I am fairly positive that she’s an idiot. A popular, wealthy idiot, but an idiot, nonetheless. So anyone who puts in a good amount of artistic effort in skewering the shit out of that Pioneer person (i.e., Rechelle) is super hot, in my book.

Now, that’s actually all I know about Rechelle. I went to her site a few times to check out some of that Barbie Doll Theater action, and that was it. That was enough, as far as I was concerned. Totally blogsmitten.

Married? Age? In a relationship? Oh, I have absolutely no idea about any of these things regarding Rechelle, but that sure as hell doesn’t stop me from being in bloglove with her. I did see some pictures of her kids.

Now, you may ask, “But Daddy, aren’t you the anti-mom blogger? And isn’t Rechelle somewhat of a mom blogger?” To tell you the truth, I don’t really know. I think she is, from what I gathered the couple times I went to her site, but as to whether or not she’s a “mom blogger,” well, I don’t really care. Irrational bloglove conquers all. It actually just makes it all hotter. It’s like some kind of variation of Stockholm Syndrome or something. Only for bloggers.

Anyway, being that all I really know about Rechelle is that she does that cool Barbie Puppet theater thing, and that she was one of my blog comment virginity takers, and that I’m hopelessly in love with her, I’ve decided to profess my love for her in an attempt to impress her. If I could do an “Ode to Rechelle Barbie Puppet Show,” for her, I would. But being that I own no Barbie dolls, puppets, quality cameras, or the motivation to undertake such an enterprise, I’m just going to have to work with what I have. So here goes. An ode to Rechelle…my BlogCrush. I give you:

Confessions Of An Absentee Daddy (The Rechelle Fantasies)

So this this is a picture of the initial encounter, where she basically took my blogvirginity in my comments section. She was so gentle with me. So tender. I knew she was the one at this point.

Tortured thoughts. Regrets. Self hatred. Feelings of inferiority. All these things racing through my mind. This was a dark time.

This is an actual instant message exchange between Rechelle and one of her friends that I was able to obtain. As you can see, her friend is hating on me pretty hard there. Rechelle refuses to partake in the smear fest though, feigning ignorance of my existence in order to steer clear of passing hurtful judgement upon me. She's so dreamy.

Ok, maybe her ignorance of my existence wasn't feigned. But here you can see her coming around. I totally have a chance at this point.

This is a picture of the point at which I became tragically and irreversibly in love with Rechelle. Bloglove in its purest form.

Our first date. She insisted that we meet in a public place. Right across the street from a police station, for some reason. Now there's a lot going on here. Dinner was at Rick's Cafe. I think we entered some kind of time warp, because we suddenly found ourselves in Nazi-occupied France circa 1944. The French patrons held an uprising in the middle of our candlelit dinner, as you can see, which a menacing S.S. officer tried to quell. It was all pretty batshit insane, to tell you the truth. Rechelle was a little freaked out, but I did my best to ease her fears.

A lot of things happened between the last picture and this one, but drawing is hard for me and I have to go to sleep soon, so long story short, this is our wedding. There wasn't a cloud in the sky. Rechelle was worried it would rain. Nope! The Fates were on our side!

This is an actual photo I took during our honeymoon in the Seychelles Islands. Rechelle was a little worried about Somali pirates every time we saw a ship approaching on the horizon, but I told her not to worry: I'd protect her. Chivalry is alive and well with this Absentee Daddy.

Back at the hotel. None of your business, you perverts. That sign is on the door for a reason.

So that’s just about as far as the fantasy goes…for now.

For all you commenters out there who were hoping you would turn out to be the object of my delusional affection, I’m sorry. Better luck next time. Ms. Unplugged has the key to this Daddy’s heart. I just know I’ll end up being blogheartbroken by Rechelle, now, but you know what? I don’t even care. She was one of my first (commenters), and you never forget your first. They hold a special place in your heart. Especially when they inadvertently direct traffic to your blog. Trust me.

There you have it, the main event of the Absentee Daddy Love Week. Daddy’s crush revealed. I hope you all enjoyed my painstaking art work, and Recehelle, wherever you are…please disregard that whole “snake eating its own tail” response I made to your comment. That was so stupid of me. Stupid stupid stupid! “Yeah, that was so profound of you, John. She’s really digging you now, after that little pearl of a comment.”

Fuck, I’m an idiot.

Think I’m insane and obsessive much? You’re goddamned right! Email me at absenteedaddy@gmail.com and I promise you that you won’t be obsessively stalked. It isn’t like I got all fatal attraction/ crazed-obsessive with this post, is it? IS IT!? Feel free to leave a comment if you like, because it’s not like I’ll devote an entire blog entry to it, or anything.

(Blogger’s note: I’ve decided that love week is over, now. (Sigh of relief, Rechelle). Blogloving really takes it out of you. Now that my Blogcrush has been revealed, well, what more is there really to say concerning love? I’m getting back to helping real people, with real problems, as only I can do, probably starting tomorrow. There may be another Absentee Daddy Love Week, or half-week, sometime in February. Because Valentine’s Day is in February, you see, and that’s when Hallmark demands that we all get on board the Love Train. And who are any of us to defy Hallmark?) 

Advertisements

9 Responses to “Question #16: “So You Totally Ruined Your Chances With Katie McCallister In Fourth Grade. But Who Do You Like These Days? (Giggle Giggle)””

  1. Ellie January 5, 2011 at 9:21 pm #

    This is rather hilarious. I think I might be rather hooked on this blog.

    • absenteedaddy January 22, 2011 at 12:35 am #

      I think I’m hooked on you, already, Ellie. Email me and we’ll take it from there. I hope you don’t mind a full chest of hair. I have a magnificent chest mane. I’m just worried you’ll fall in love with it and end up getting hurt. Daddy’s a rolling stone.

  2. LucyJoy January 3, 2011 at 10:27 pm #

    HEE-larious! While you may not have the poseable dolls that Rechelle has, your illustrated theater was just as priceless. Dang! I’m happy to see you find Rechelle just as engaging & irreplaceable as many of us do (bitch)! Hahahahaha!

  3. Rechelle January 3, 2011 at 7:21 pm #

    Oh I don’t think so Kymlee! ABDaddy is MINE! ALL MINE! As for you AB – I think you got some crazy ass back pedaling to do regarding what you I just HEARD YOU SAY to KYMLEE! I didn’t suffer that poorly drawn hairdo for nothing!

    But seriously – this is like the best blog post I have ever read in my life. Clearly, you complete me.

    • absenteedaddy January 5, 2011 at 10:15 am #

      Rechelle, I don’t know. I was just so confused and heartbroken that you hadn’t acknowledged my bloglove declaration within my set time limit of 8 hours…that I ran to Kymlee. She was there for me in those dark hours.

      Look, let’s not fight over Daddy, ladies. There’s plenty of Daddy to go around. Daddy’s all about free love and zero commitment, if you haven’t noticed. I think we can work something out. Promise I won’t up and run away on either of you, either. That whole thing with the wife and children was just…well, one of those things. Happens to the best of us.

      Love both of you and can’t wait for some hot tub and champagne time (replete with my magnificent mane of chest hair, don’t get lost in it now, girls),

      Daddy

  4. Kymlee December 23, 2010 at 8:15 pm #

    I can’t stop laughing/crying/dancing/giggling (not necessarily in that order either)
    This made my life. Good for you and your obsessive blogloveydoveyness. But I do have a question and I think I speak for all of your other candidates for affection when I say: Why wasn’t I invited to your wedding!? I thought we were close! I thought we could be friends!!!

    Have a magical day ABDaddy. You’re the shit. And I forgive you… for now

    ♥ Kymlee

    • absenteedaddy December 26, 2010 at 3:44 am #

      Kymlee, the only question that Daddy has for you is: “Why aren’t you in Daddy’s life right now?” The question I have for myself is: “Why did I choose to be in bloglove with Rechelle, instead of Kymlee?” I made a mistake, Kymlee. I see that now. It was you all along I blogloved. Now please, let’s do this wedding thing up right, just me and you. For you, I’ll even make it so the wedding in no way involves City Hall, sweet stuff.

      • Kymlee January 2, 2011 at 10:52 pm #

        lol I am in your life right now, leaving notes and such on your blog. Because I care 🙂
        I knew it was me all along, but now I feel bad. I will share nice with Rechelle hahahaha

        xo my dahling.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. I Was His First… « Rechelle Unplugged - January 3, 2011

    […] trust you with my whole heart AB Daddy!)  Well, that dude has done it again except this time, I am the subject of his […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: