Question #19: “Daddy, Why Don’t You Stop Blogging And Fuking (sic) Around And Come Home To Us? Mommy Says Ur A Prik (sic).”

5 Jan

This question came from a very special sender, my pride and joy, my boy, Connor, back in Scranton, Pennsylvania. As those of you who have been following me know, I got a letter from my wife, Cindy, a few weeks ago, threatening a divorce and legal action. I guess the old hag set Connor down at the kitchen table with a red crayon and put him up to this follow-up letter. Actually, I wouldn’t be surprised if this letter was actually Connor’s idea to begin with, being that both my kids have pretty much hated me for years now.  Below is a re-creation of the actual letter,  being that my camera is on the fritz right now:

That’s my boy! Now do you see why I ran away from The Wicked Witch and those two little hellspawn, dear readers?  Notice how he just had to underline the “fuking asshole” part? OK, OK, I can hear you all now, “he probably gets that from you!” First of all, that’s not true. You don’t know me, so please refrain from making such judgements. Second of all, that’s just about enough from the peanut gallery, you shitassed little cocksuckers. Ok, dear readers, if you wouldn’t mind, please stop reading now. Go to The Huffington Post or your Facebook page, or go update your blog. Whatever, really. I’d like a little privacy. I need to speak with my wife and son, for a moment.

Seriously, please? Stop reading? Navigate away.

………..

Ok, I trust we’re alone now.

Cindy, since I’m sure you’re reading this–Mrs. “She Who Is Without Sin”–   what the fuck kind of mother are you, anyway? That kid obviously can’t spell for  shit. “Deer” daddy, “fuking,” “prik.” Connor’s what, 11 years old now? He’s spelling his vulgarities at a second grade level, for Christ’s sake, Cindy. This little gem of a letter means that Connor’s not learning shit in the classroom or on the playground. Fucking pathetic, Cindy. Put Connor in front of the computer. I said…NO. YOU LISTEN. NO….SHUT THE…SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU LISTEN TO ME RIGHT NOW YOU GODDAMNED WHORE I KNOW WHAT YOU DID WITH THAT GUY LAST SUMMER YOU SHITTY LITTLE SLUT!  YEAH, YEAH, YOU FUCKED HIM, DIDN’T YOU!? FUCKED HIM REAL GOOD? OH…OH…NO YOU’RE THE ONE RUINING OUR CHILDREN YOU MISERABLE CUNT AND…OH JUST FUCK OFF AND PUT CONNOR IN FRONT OF THAT COMPUTER RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Connor? Heyyy, little man! Thanks for sending Daddy the letter, although you really shouldn’t be writing words like that. You don’t ever write “fuking” or “prik.” You write “fucking,” and “prick.” It’s not your fault that you’re not the brightest star in the galaxy, Con, it’s mostly because of your shit-brained mother. Please, if you ever take any one thing I say to heart, let it be this: never listen to anything your mother says, or believe anything she says. She is what grown ups call “The Antichrist.”  That means that Mommy killed Jesus, Connor. You remember how you used to go to Sunday school, right? Before Mommy got too lazy to take you there even though she wasn’t working Sundays like I was? It was around the time that Mommy first started having sex with other men. Well anyway, remember how good and nice Jesus was? Well, Mommy actually killed Him. Just trust me, and always keep that in mind.

Now, about your question. Daddy would like to come home, Con, but he just can’t. I don’t know how to put this, little man, but…well, it’s kind of over between myself and you three. Things just didn’t work out. It wasn’t you, Con, it wasn’t Darla, or even me… it was all your mother’s fault. (And a little bit of your fault, like the time you broke Daddy’s big screen T.V. with your baseball bat, and Darla’s fault as well, like the time she ruined my sleep because of that fucking squirrel on the back porch).

Daddy is going to keep blogging, and answering all questions ever, because Daddy’s been called on a mission from a higher being (one that Mommy hasn’t managed to kill yet).   Daddy can’t go home to be a Dad Blogger, because then Daddy would be taking pictures of you all the time, recording you, and posting you all over the internet, and would most likely write endlessly about you, as well, meticulously detailing every little insignificant thing you said or did in stultifying, vacuous posts. You wouldn’t want your privacy and childhood to be invaded and exploited like that, would you? All in the hopes of securing corporate ad revenue dollars? Just trust me, Con, you wouldn’t. It would be better for you, Darla, and for everyone on the internet if you just grew up without a Daddy, just to save us all from that. Trust me, you’ll understand one day, when you’re older, and you come across a Mom or Dad blog. Then it will all make sense why Daddy ran away.

Well, Daddy has to go now, he has a twelve pack of PBR in the fridge to get working on, and “Ram-A-Star” just finished downloading. It’s kind of like that movie, “Avatar,” only it was made on a much lower budget,  is actually a lot more exciting, and is sexist instead of racist.

Did Mommy take you to see “Avatar” when it came out, I wonder? Probably not, since she was probably too busy getting ass-banged by the latest guy she met at a bar. That’s what Mommy does, if you didn’t know, Con. And if you don’t know what “ass-banging” is, just ask your friends at school.

Ok, I really have to go now. I’m sorry, Con.

Love,

Daddy

P.S.- Cindy I know you’re reading this you little bitch, and I will fight you every step of the way, until the day I die, I will outrun you and outsmart you, I swear to God, if it kills me.

Is your marriage dysfunctional? Worried it’s having a damaging effect on your children? Have no fear, Daddy’s here! Just email me at absenteedaddy@gmail.com. I’m a certified advice columnist and former marriage counselor. I answer all questions ever. I’ll have that family back together like a wink 😉 and a smile 🙂 in no time!

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6 Responses to “Question #19: “Daddy, Why Don’t You Stop Blogging And Fuking (sic) Around And Come Home To Us? Mommy Says Ur A Prik (sic).””

  1. KLo January 29, 2011 at 4:03 am #

    How does one GET a mentally ill, alcoholic, abusive ex-husband to BECOME an absentee Daddy?

    • absenteedaddy January 29, 2011 at 8:12 am #

      Don’t be shy with that “911”/ lawyer/video documentation combo. That’s all I got.

      • KLo January 29, 2011 at 2:22 pm #

        Didn’t get me very far (you’d think pictures of bruises and 911 transcripts would be very compelling, but I guess they weren’t enough). Thanks, though : )

  2. absenteedaddy January 22, 2011 at 12:32 am #

    Kids say the darndest things, Other Teacher. It’s just important that they say them in grammatically correct fashion, and that they understand that their mother is pure evil and needs to be stopped.

  3. The Other Teacher January 5, 2011 at 6:42 pm #

    haha I am an old school parent and I too would focus on the structure and the spelling of a letter my child sent me rather than the subject. Besides, if I made the write it out 5 times with the corrections they may think twice before sending me hate mail LOL

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Question #25: “Is My Child Too Young For A Cell Phone?” « The (Absentee) Daddy Blog - January 26, 2011

    […] on right now, and believe you me, Darla probably feels the same. (I don’t know if you read the hate mail that my son Connor sent me a couple weeks back, but Darla’s exactly like her mother, so just […]

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