Question #23: “My Husband Smelled A Little Different Yesterday. What Should I Do?”

22 Jan

Gina from Lancaster sent me this one a few weeks ago, and, after I requested a photo, she finally obliged yesterday. Just in case there’s any confusion, the one on the left in the picture is Gina, and the one to the right is her (deservedly) cut-off husband.

First of all, just allow me to say that’s quite a pretty smile you have there, Gina, and that Daddy’s pretty sure that whoever took that photo probably missed the best parts of Gina, too. Daddy’s sure as hell missing the rest of Gina, tell you that much.

Now on to your question. Well, this is, indeed, quite the olfactory-related dilemma we have here, isn’t it? First of all, what kind of smell are we talking about here?  Was it kind of a piney thing he had going on? Because that, I’m sorry to say, Gina, means he’s fucking another woman.

Now, being that I am a certified advice columnist, I’ve been both trained and had plenty of real life experience with odd husband scents in marriages. So if, by any chance, it’s an odor slightly similar to boiled eggs that you noticed emanating from your husband, well, then Gina, I’m sorry to inform you… he’s fucking another woman.

Rhubarb? Lemon Fresh Pine Sol? Gasoline? Cigarette smoke? Fucking another woman. Kind of an odorless scent you can’t quite put your finger on but still gives you a bad gut feeling? Pancake syrup? Motor oil? Family dog? Freshly-cut roses? Shampoo? Asparagus fern? Fucking another woman. Sweaty socks? Juicy Fruit? Lint?  Chapstick? Mentholated Chapstick? Perspiration?  Armani Code? Aftershave? Now that you think about it, it all makes sense, doesn’t it?

I’m sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, Gina, but…you are no longer the only woman in Mr. Cut Off’s  life.

As to the next course of action. There will, of course, be a divorce as a direct result of this revelatory advice column exchange. And it will be hard on your two children… at first. But time heals all, Gina, and it’s better that you find out now the truth behind what I imagine to be Mr. Cut Off’s deceptively charming, serpentine smile and that despicable veneer of a wholesome, hard-working, good-natured, sweet husband. You have no other choice but to do to your husband precisely what that prescient photographer did in that sexy picture of you up there. He brought this on himself, Gina, so let there be no regrets, no remorse.

Now, about us…wait, are you crying? Gina, oh, honey, I know, I know. Listen. I’m free all weekend. I did have this advice columnist award ceremony to go to tomorrow but…no, no. It’s no big deal.  Right now all that matters to Daddy is that you get through this OK. And that maybe you think about contact lenses because I think you’d be even hotter without the glasses. But really, look. I’m just going to email you my phone number, and we can set this up.

Hope that helped, Gina.

Have a bad feeling about your marriage? Are you not a male? Then feel free to email me at absenteedaddy@gmail.com. I’m kind of in between jobs right now so I’m usually free to be here for you most any night.

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