Advice Column Break: Daddy’s Week In Review

24 Jan

Good evening all you readers out there, we’re a little over a month old now at absenteedaddy.com and I have to say, I’ve had an unexpected number of people drop by to catch the show. I hope my advice has made the world a better place, because that’s what I’m here for. If just one person out there takes just one little pearl of wisdom away from this blog and does something with that pearl that doesn’t involve a prostate, well then, it’s mission accomplished for this absentee daddy.

I’ve been a little slow the past couple weeks with updates and what not, and I do apologize; I had my court date Friday for the Santa statue pissing incident that took place over the holidays  ($500 fucking fine, total. Seriously, if any of you can spare even a few dollars, let’s talk PayPal, please),  the emotional tempest that sort of ensued the other week when I received that letter from one of those ex-kids of mine (the goddamned kid can’t spell for shit– it’s really enough to tear a parent up inside), Cindy’s harassing me via email now, which we’ll get into next week I guess, the goddamned automatic-flushing toilets at the local Walmart where I do my shopping are still inexplicably flushing and ambushing my ass for no good reason (and I still haven’t gotten around to writing the manufacturers of those things–I feel like I’m really failing as an absentee daddy here), Gina from Question #23, with her cheating, aftershave-scented husband, still hasn’t called me, Betty or whatever from Question #24 completely wasted my time with that incredibly stupid question about her husband sexting other women (leave him, Olga, is that what you wanted me to say? He’s cheating on you. There. Jesus Gerbil-Loving Christ if I had known that this advice columnist thing would involve having to deal with neurotic, paranoid unattractive women, I may have never gotten into it. This is harder than it looks, people)…look. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I feel as though I’ve been letting everyone down lately. All 7 of you. This is how I feel:

Absentee Daddy right now.

Emaciated and Picasso-blue, just strummin’ away at an old guitar with a hole in my frock,  just a sad old Absentee Daddy with no where to go (“back home to your wife and children” is not an option, so please, just save it?)…sigh…and to top it all off, I feel as though now, because this blog has asserted that Mom Blogs generally suck, owing mostly to my instincts,  it’s time for me to delve into the world of some Mom Blogs and comment on them.  Holy finger-twirling Christ on a cracker, this is going to be God awful. But it had to happen some day. So tonight, right now, I begin my actual foray…into the world of Mom blogs. Because, though I know that Mom Blogs suck, as an a priori truth, I’m going to have to start providing empirical evidence to support my claim. I guess. So this is going to be fucking painful. But let us begin…

Now I’d like to start my hellish journey into the world of Mom Blogs as painlessly and easily as possible, so I’ll just start off with the Big Two, to make it easy on myself. Now, I’m a reasonable man. Those of you have been reading this blog know that. All Mom Blogs can’t possibly suck, and I do acknowledge that. My assertion is simply that a vast majority of them suck. That being said, imagine everything I say from this point on in the voice of Steven Wright.

"*Sigh* So I bought some instant water one time. Didn't know what to add to it...you think when George Washington was asked for ID, he just whipped out a quarter? *Sigh* I can levitate birds. But no one gives a shit. *Sigh* Allllright. Let's talk about Mom Blogs now..."

Poll time.  Guess who recently posted this brilliant piece of literature.

Jesus. That “Fertile Myrtle” line at the end there made me lactate. I have no idea why or how I just lactated, but it either means that I’ve been a woman all along, or that The Pioneer Woman’s Haiku poetry just turned me into one. Either way, it’s pretty disturbing.  And by the way, two of the choices in that poll were actually correct. Trick question. Gotcha.

So that was Exhibit A. I feel that’s proof enough that The Pioneer Woman sucks horrible, egregious ass. So I’ll just stay the hell away from that site for a while now.  Or to put it in Haiku form:

Cherry blossom bloomed

Pink and pouty near my screen

Drummond’s poem killed it.

So that’s my verdict on one of the Big Two for now (well, actually, there was one previous Pioneer Woman incident on this blog, but that’s the official verdict).

Now for the other One.

Sigh. End Steven Wright voice.

OK, so I Googled Dooce up and down a few times, and on a side note,  I actually registered for her site recently and taunted her in a completely unrelated incident (yes, it’s actually somehow possible for me to go to a Mom Blogger’s site and be obnoxious for reasons other than the Anti-ish Mom/Dad Blog that I happen to be running. Long story). I assume I’m banned from her site, but it doesn’t really matter; I don’t intend to comment on shit there ever again.

So my verdict on Dooce after a couple days of research/consideration?

Well, it seems that there is a lot of contempt towards Dooce from Mom Bloggers. One reason being that she’s probably not even a “mom blogger” to begin with, or whatever, look, I don’t give a shit, really. True “Mommy Blogger” or not, she’s still popularly known as the “Biggest Mom blogger in the world” it seems.  To have that popular reputation, and to not even be a mom blogger, means that she’s considered an impostor of sorts, I suppose. Which would explain a lot of the Mommy Blogger contempt. I read a lot of Mom Bloggers complaining about how she closes off her comments and how she’s self righteous and some shit about her being a skinny little bitch, yaddah yaddah yaddah, who cares.

So the Absentee Daddy’s verdict on Ms. Armstrong? Drum Roll. Surprise ahead…

She’s slightly awesome.

Reasoning:

1. Probably not even  a” mommy blog,” by strict definition, but still manages to hold the queen Mom Blogger crown nonetheless, so:

Not A Mom Blog + Yet Beats All The Other Mom Blogs+ While Still Somehow Being Popularly Labeled A Mom Blog = Awesome.

2. Hate mail ingenuity. Hate mail ingenuity is admirable, and Dooce figured out how to make it work for her, so that’s fairly awesome.

3. Impostors are awesome. Impostors are often spies, and spies are obviously fucking awesome, so Dooce is like some kind of skinny little maddeningly-popular depression-battling hate mail deflecting Jiu-Jitsu blog master who pisses thousands of Mom Bloggers off. This is, of course, awesome. Now Pioneer Woman has a lot of haters as well, but it seems to me that Pioneer Woman hatred is fully justified. Dooce hatred, not quite as much.

So there we have it. My first timid foray into actually examining Mom Blogs. Fairly painful. I have not a doubt that as I make the occasional venture into the Mom Blog world that I will, in fact, find my original assumption to be correct: most Mom Blogs suck, ergo, fuck Mommy Blogs. It’ll be a learning experience. We’ll explore the world of Mommy Blogs together, you guys! Isn’t that fucking swell. This sucks. What the fuck have I gotten myself into. At any rate, I don’t intend to spend too much time actually Mom Blog hating, because I have much more important matters to attend to, as I’ve been called upon by some higher being, or beings, of some sort (I suspect they’re actually sodomite extraterrestrials, to tell you the truth) to answer all questions ever. (Let’s not forget I did basically set humanity on-course to universal utopia with Question #22.)

And with that, I bid you adieu for now. Until we meet again, world.

#Now it’s time to say goodbye, to all our company. A-B-S…E..N…T..E#…oh just fuck this shit.

Bye.

-John Leonard Ferris

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4 Responses to “Advice Column Break: Daddy’s Week In Review”

  1. fuckyu January 25, 2011 at 10:17 am #

    your fucking disgusting.

    • absenteedaddy January 26, 2011 at 2:12 am #

      Ding ding ding! We have another potential winner! The first truly negative comment on this site! Fuckyu, please emaiil me at absenteedaddy@gmail.com to collect your $5,000 prize. Of course, you also must provide irrefutable evidence that you are the same one who made the comment in order to collect the prize. Also, be sure to tune in for the next Daddy Love Week, where Daddy rounds up all of the commenters on his blog and dedicates a stick figure ode to one lucky commenter, ala Rechelle from a few weeks back. Congratulations, fuckyu. And this is the final first negative comment prize I will offer, so it’s all riding on you, fuckyu.

  2. hiney tingle January 25, 2011 at 4:07 am #

    Jesus, Ree really comes up with some stinkers. I hate that this woman is out there, feeding crap to the masses and making millions off it. Who are these people that worship her? Last week, she put cheese in a tortilla, and had like 500 comments saying “wow, what a great idea!” Are there really this many stupid people out there?

    • Skattebol January 25, 2011 at 2:29 pm #

      Yes. Indeed there are. And I do believe the majority of them hang out at The Pioneer Woman’s site.

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