Question #26: “What Are Better? Cats Or Dogs? I Think Cats.”

9 Feb

7 year old Mandy from Cedar Rapids sent me this one. First of all, you realize you kind of defeated the entire purpose of an advice column, don’t you, Mandy? Here’s the general model: person X asks a knowledgeable, trustworthy, credible source (myself) a question, and in return, receives a well-considered, rational, helpful answer. Person X does not, Mandy, ask the question and then provide his or her own answer to the question at the same time. You’ve already fucked this all up, Mandy, before we’ve even begun, and, considering that you’re only 7 years old, this does not bode well for your future. But OK, I’ll bite.

If you’ll notice, over on the right, I have a Cat Picture Counter on this blog. Right now, we’re at 1, which is the unfortunate and unavoidable result of an incident involving the necessity to display a photo of Schroedinger’s Cat, in order to explain gravity to that Chinaman spy in question #13 .

A few people have written to ask me, “why are you so reluctant to put pictures of cats on your blog?” Well, one reason is due to the fact that for some reason, pictures of cats and kittens make up approximately 18 percent of the entire internet. The rest is basically porn, in all its myriad forms. Actually, even the endless kitten pictures are basically porn; cute-and-cuddly porn. Kitty porn.

(Imagine a picture of a basket full of kittens right here)

You see how disgusting that is? Cats and kittens have gotten an unfairly good rap on the internet, I believe. They have also stirred an inordinate amount of amusement among internet-going idiots, such as yourself, Mandy. It doesn’t matter how old you are, Mandy–  if you honestly think that cats are better than dogs, then you’re obviously just an immature little moron, because any thinking adult knows that dogs are way better.

Now, here is a picture of a dog:

As you can see, very dignified, suave, cool, gives an aura of confidence and professionalism. Now, by comparison, this is a picture of a cat:

(Now, this does not actually count as a picture of a cat, for all you nitpickers out there crying “That’s a second picture of a cat! Add one to the cat picture counter!” No, you idiots. If you’ll look closely, it’s a unilion. But they are very closely related to cats, and, for all intents and purposes– and in the interest of providing accurate information to 7 year old Mandy– are basically no different).

Now as you can see, Mandy, while dogs are great and sophisticated and belong in the next episode of Madmen, cats, on the other hand, are brutal, barbaric, evil, cold-hearted murderers of everything. Including ponies. Because, in case you don’t know what that thing in the above picture is that the unilion is mercilessly maul-murdering, well, it’s a pony, Mandy. You know what ponies are, right? You probably want one, even. Here is a picture of a pony, Mandy:

And this is a pony after a cat gets to it:

So the answer to your question/assertion, Miss Mandy: you’re wrong, you imbecile. Dogs are better. Now please, don’t ever contact me again.

Have a pet-related question?  Are you not a little dumb dumb ruining the traditional advice columnist structure by sending your answer bundled with your own question, like a complete jackass?  Then email me at absenteedaddy@gmail.com. I’m a former veterinarian and certified advice columnist.

I answer all questions ever.


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2 Responses to “Question #26: “What Are Better? Cats Or Dogs? I Think Cats.””

  1. The Other Teacher February 12, 2011 at 8:14 am #

    cats are better!cats! cats! cats! I own a dog and he is awesome but I just watched a pitbull try to eat my neighbours dog! I have never seen a cat try to eat another cat before….I vote (if it counts for anything especially after a few glasses of wine and of course if there is a vote) CATS!

  2. The Other Teacher February 11, 2011 at 4:58 am #

    Unilion – the next chick blogger graphic fad :p ROFL…

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