Question #27: “My Friend Thinks Meryl Streep Is The Best Living Actress. I Think It’s Vanessa Redgrave. Who’s Right?”

20 Feb

Answer: Michelle Rodriguez.

Gloria from Syracuse sent me this one. First of all, I’m just going to ignore your question, because it’s pretty much just stupid.

Moving along then, I feel as though it’s time that I announce the Daddy award for best actress: Michelle Rodriguez. For those who don’t know, Michelle Rodriguez is a shitty actress with a decent face and a hot body whose range stretches precisely this far: either tough, no nonsense bitch, or tough, no nonsense bitch with a little bit of a soft side.

That’s it. She admits this in interviews, she’s proud of it, she pretty much just sucks as an actress but, again, she has a hot body, and she’s extremely sexy in her two dimensional, hell bitch way.

Michelle is my fantasy girl. If I had had children with Michelle instead of Cindy, things would definitely be different, because Michelle wouldn’t have ever let me run off to begin with. Here’s a video of Michelle Rodriguez in some airport, wheelchair-bound for some reason. . If you’ll notice, someone pisses her off at one point in the video:

That’s what happens when you look at Michelle wrong. When she’s in a wheelchair. Imagine if you knocked her up and tried to run out on her. She would literally kill you. Although I am enjoying my child and wife-free life right now (immensely), I have to say, there’s a masochistic side to me that wants Ms. Two Dimensions to just take control of this Absentee Daddy and never let go. Now here is a short video of Michelle being angry and vulgar for some other reason:

What you saw there was some cocksucking paparazzi asking Michelle about the recent community service she had completed, on account of her being arrested all the time. Fairly awesome, I think we can all agree. And, hot, as well.

Now Meryl Streep was in what? Sophie’s Choice or Taxi Driver or some shit? And Vanessa Redgrave…Sound of Music? Gone With The Wind? The original Jazz Singer? Hell I don’t know. Tell you one thing, though, I doubt either of them knows what it’s like to do jail time. Michelle and I share that. And I bet neither of them has ever been caught on camera screaming anything along the lines of:

“Chinga tu madre, pendejo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Suck a dick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

These are the kind of qualities that make for Daddemy Award material, from where I see it. So please, no one ever bother emailing me about actresses again, because the answer will likely be: Michelle Rodriguez, that hot, spicy little tomato.

Hope that helped, Gloria.

Have a question regarding le cinema? Daddy’s got you covered! Email me at absenteedaddy@gmail.com  I’m a certified advice columnist and former movie critic. I put Roger Ebert and Pauline Kael to shame. Combined.


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