My Story

Hi,  my name is John Leonard Ferris  (yes, that’s a mugshot of me from last year. Unlike so many other bloggers out there, I want the world to see me at my most down and out and shameful. It was a bullshit case and I beat the motherfucker anyway). I am 49 years old, and currently living in Chicago, Illinois. I have two children, Darla and Connor, both of whom are living somewhere in Pennsylvania, with their mother, Cindy. Things just didn’t work out between the four of us.  I know this may sound calloused, but Darla and Connor were really two chapters in my life that I’d like to forget. Cindy was primarily at fault for this, what with her being a soul-sucking harpy-bitch who was hell-bent on turning the kids against me. She succeeded. I relocated. I am generally anti-children now, and wary of women in general.

Recently, I realized that I wanted to help people. And what better way to do this than with a blog? You see, I noticed a lack of good advice column blogs on the web. Mommy Blogs often dole out advice, but, as we all know, Mommy Blogs, much like the name implies, are boring,  horrible, shit spittoons  full of self-righteous disinformation. And so, I sat right down, fired up this blog, and began taking questions from people all over the world; real people with real problems and real questions that needed answering. Being somewhat of a Renaissance man, well-educated in mostly all fields of knowledge that pertain to everything, I felt certain that I was the one to single handedly clear everything up that needs clearing up. I find that as soon as I see the questions in my inbox, the answers just materialize in my head, instantly; it’s almost a divine process– deeply spiritual. The answers appear unto me as though heaven-sent. As such, the average time from the point of receiving a reader’s question to the point of my having completed the answer is approximately 7.5 minutes. I am quite prolific, as a result. One has to be, when doing God’s work. I don’t necessarily believe in God, but I do believe that there is Something up there, supporting the opinions expressed in this blog. I firmly believe this, so please don’t bother contradicting me on that point. You won’t change my mind.

Cindy and the two kids, Darla and Connor, former banes of my existence, on a shitty family trip to Niagra Falls in 2007.


3 Responses to “My Story”

  1. Kymlee December 20, 2010 at 8:50 pm #

    So I realize your blog is about a plethora of things, but after reading a few of your posts, I have to ask why it is you hate your children… I don’t know how old they are and all that jazz, but it sounds like they were twisted into believing that you were a bad person, and that is wrong, children are fully capable of deciding those things for themselves later on in life. Just wondered if you every thought that maybe their “turning” on you was a product of their enviornment and not a deep seeded dislike. You are their father after all.

    Side note, you probably get people all the time who ask this kinda stuff and I’m sorry if you’re repeating yourself, I just can’t personally imagine hating my own children (or anyone elses), no matter what happens even though I don’t have any. It’s really curiosity that I feel right now, and I hope that you might find a little bit of content and maybe even happiness someday.

    With love,

    Kymlee

    • absenteedaddy December 21, 2010 at 2:33 am #

      Aww. That was too sincere and sweet to kid around with. So I’ll just leave it at that.

      Thank you for the kind comment. Be careful though. I have a history of falling tragically and fatally in love with people who comment on my posts. I’ll be getting to that later this week. (Don’t worry, you’re not the infatuation target…yet.)

      • Kymlee December 22, 2010 at 1:26 am #

        fatal attractions are fun for me, I’m not worried one little bit 🙂 and you’re welcome. I felt like extending my unending supply of sweetness to a random stranger. It happens. I’m sure we shall be chatting (stalking) soon…
        ta ta!

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